What We Have Here is a Failure to Communicate

You’re on an airplane, and the person next to you is taking up more than his fair share of space.  His legs are spread like he’s home on the couch drinking a beer, his elbows keep knocking into you, and as much as you try to make yourself smaller, you simply can’t avoid awkward and unpleasant contact with this stranger.  Do you:

• Hug all your body parts tight and try to make the best of it - no sense it making waves.  After all, it's only a 5 hour flight.
• Turn to your seatmate and shout, "keep your damn limbs to yourself!  Inconsiderate jerks like you are what's wrong with the world!"
• Spread yourself out too and elbow him repeatedly in his arm - two can play at this game!
• Say, "I'm sure you don't mean to do this, but these seats are pretty small and I was wondering, could you please try to keep your elbows from bumping me?"

As you may have gathered, each of these is indicative of one of the four styles of communication.  In any given situation, there are multiple ways you can respond, and the one you choose is likely to affect the outcome of the interaction.

Passive Communication

When a person communicates passively, they avoid expressing their opinions or feelings, protecting their rights, and getting their needs met.  This usually stems from low self-esteem and reflects a core belief that the individual’s feelings are not worth taking care of.  The result of this is usually that they hold in their feelings, allowing them to accumulate, and then have explosive outbursts when the metaphorical straw breaks the metaphorical camel’s back.  After this happens, they feel shameful, guilty, and confused.

Aggressive Communication  
 

When a person communicates aggressively, they express their feelings and opinions and advocate for their needs in a way that violates the rights of others.  Aggressive communicators are often physically abusive.  Contrary to what one might think, these people also have low self-esteem and unhealed emotional wounds, and they feel powerless most of the time.

Passive-Aggressive Communication

Individuals who express their feelings passive-aggressively may be perceived as being passive, but they are actually quite aggressive.  These people usually feel powerless, and are incapable of dealing directly with whomever or whatever made them angry.  They smile when talking to you while setting subtle traps all around, and guilt is a primary weapon.  (For more examples and a good laugh, check out passiveaggressivenotes.com.)

Assertive Communication 

Individuals who communicate assertively advocate for their own needs while respecting the rights and needs of others.  It takes self-confidence to be assertive, as well as the belief that both one’s own rights and the rights of others are valuable.  This is, by far, the most effective and positive way to communicate, and it yields the best feelings after a conversation.

Many factors affect which communication style you choose.  A person’s choice may be affected by the specifics of a situation.  For example, someone may choose to be passive in an interaction with a stranger but assertive or aggressive with a known or safe person, such as a friend, relative, or partner.  A cost/benefit analysis may also come into play, such as an examination of the possible consequences of confronting a situation and an analysis of whether a conversation is worthwhile. 

In any given situation, the kind of response you give is also very much tied to your perception of what’s important in the interaction.  You are likely to be passive if you perceive the other person’s needs are more important than your own and aggressive (or passive aggressive) if you perceive your needs to be significantly more important than those of the other person.  The “sweet spot,” so to speak, is assertiveness, where you balance your needs with those of the other person and find a way to express yourself so that your needs can be met while respecting and acknowledging the needs of the other person.

Or, put another way:

 

So let’s return to your uncomfortable airplane situation and look at it like a “choose your own adventure” story.  Here’s your probable outcome: 

• Hug all your body parts tight and try to make the best of it - no sense it making waves.  After all, it's only a 5 hour flight.

If you picked this (passive response), the person next to you has absolutely no awareness that his behavior is upsetting or annoying to you.  For five hours, you’re stuck next to Mr. Long Limbs, and you have a sore body the next day from tensely curling yourself into a ball.  It’s not the end of the world, but man, does your back hurt!

• Turn to your seatmate and shout, "keep your damn limbs to yourself!  Inconsiderate jerks like you are what's wrong with the world!"

If you picked this (aggressive response), the outcome ranges depending on the temperament of the person sitting next to you.  At best, you feel awkward sitting next to someone you yelled at for the next five hours.  At worst, the situation escalates into a full force shouting match… and then you have to feel awkward sitting next to someone you argued with for the next five hours.

• Spread yourself out too and elbow him repeatedly in his arm - two can play at this game!

If you picked this (passive aggressive response), the person next to you thinks you’re a jerk.  Remember that saying “two wrongs don’t make a right?”  Your seatmate was completely unaware that he had been taking your personal space, and he still is – but boy does he feel like you’re taking up his space!  However he responds, you’re now the one in the wrong. 

• Say, "I'm sure you don't mean to do this, but these seats are pretty small and I was wondering, could you please try to keep your elbows from bumping me?"

If you picked this (assertive response), the person next to you apologizes, said he didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, and agrees that the seats are rather tight.  You both joke about the sardine-like nature of commercial airline seating, and you sit amicably next to each other for the remainder of the flight.

When you next find yourself in a tense situation and are trying to decide how to react, think through the four communication styles, and try to figure out what the outcome would be for each.  Would yelling out the window of your car at a pedestrian who isn’t paying attention really make anything better?  Is your partner even aware that it drives you crazy when she leaves her dirty socks on the floor?  Think to yourself, “what outcome do I really want from this interaction, and what’s the best way to get it?  How would I respond if I were approached in the way I’m thinking about approaching this person?  Can I find a way to balance my needs with those of the person I’m thinking about confronting?”  You may be surprised at how people respond.