When I was in graduate school, we learned that families are systems that affect each other. When one “piece” of the family changes, the others adjust to accommodate those changes so that the family maintains a balance and its needs are met. All of this is fine when read in a text book and heard in a lecture, but it’s amazing how true it also is in practice.
I am going to tell you the story of the first client I ever saw, with details changed, of course, to protect their confidentiality.
Eleanor was a mother of 3, who came into my office with her young children, aged 6, 4, and 1. She was coming in for Amanda, her oldest child, who had been having significant behavioral problems in her kindergarten class and at home. She had been throwing temper tantrums at least 3 times a day, was inattentive and hyperactive at school, and picked fights almost daily with her siblings.
I radiated inexperience, but I went over office policies and then gave Eleanor the floor to explain this to me while Amanda and her sister wreaked havoc in the office, pulling anything that looked like a toy off the shelf and her brother cried for attention on his mother’s lap. Eleanor tried to control her children, but truthfully, she was too anguished to tend sufficiently to their chaotic actions.
As Eleanor’s words told me she was worried about Amanda, her tears told me another story. Sitting before me was a multistressed woman who was not happy at home. She told me about how things had been hard at home because her husband was never around anymore, and she explained to me, still crying, that this was something she believed greatly affected her children.
Towards the end of the session, I made a gentle suggestion: it seemed to me that she could use a place to talk, and that she was frustrated in her marriage. Sometimes, I told her, remembering my text books and lectures with mild skepticism, when children are acting up, it’s a reflection of the other problems in the family. The way to fix the children’s behavior is to fix the tension among the adults. Eleanor agreed to bring her husband, Frank, in for couples therapy.
Through couples therapy, Eleanor and Frank began to work on their problems. After several sessions, they were both much happier in their marriage and in their family. I was amazed and humbled at this couple’s ability to use therapy so effectively under my guidance to fix the problems in their relationship.
I saw Frank and Eleanor for about 10 weeks. At their final session, they were no longer crying, yelling, fighting. Instead, they were a loving couple, holding hands. They acknowledged that maintaining their newfound happiness would require some ongoing work, but felt they had learned a lot about themselves and each other through their therapy.
And Amanda? As soon as her parents started getting along and being loving to one another again, her negative behaviors all but disappeared.
And that’s the magic of how family systems work.
