Change for the New Year

                “How do people change?”

                I was at my group interview for graduate school, and my interviewer, Dr. Stan Charnofsky, the head of the department to which I was hoping to gain admission, had just asked us this question.  The eight of us sat there, looking like deer in the headlights.  We hadn’t studied any of this yet – how were we supposed to know?  Always assertive, I ventured a guess.

                “Well…” I said, tentatively, “I think you’re probably not going to change something about your life or yourself unless it’s causing you discomfort.  Change – real change – takes a lot of work.  So unless you feel that something is really wrong, you’re not going to make the effort.”

                Stan, as he asked us to call him, nodded in agreement.  “And awareness,” he added.  “The first step is for a person to become aware that there’s a problem.”

                As we approach the New Year, a lot of people are hoping to make changes.  Many people make resolutions.  They recognize their shortcomings and say, “I can be better, and I want to make a change.”

                If you’re making a resolution, chances are you’ve already reached the point of awareness and discomfort.  For example, if your goal is to lose weight, you are aware that you weigh more than you would like to, and you are uncomfortable with this notion.  So you resolve to do something about it.  Excellent.

                But really, that’s step 1.  Where do you go from there?  Because every year, thousands of people get to the point of awareness and discomfort, make a resolution on January 1^st, and return to their pie-eating, sedentary lifestyles by January 4^th. 

                The subject of change was also later addressed at a workshop I attended while in graduate school.  The process was presented in 3 simple steps:

1. Start immediately
2. No exceptions
3. Tell the world

Start Immediately

                You’ve probably heard the adage, “never put off until tomorrow what you can do today.”  Equally relevant is, “no time like the present.”  People often designate a date to start their desired change.  New Years is a popular one.  “Starting in 2012, I’m not going to smoke anymore.”  Or people find times when they believe it will be difficult to stick to their guns.  “I can’t start my diet today, because I’m throwing my friend a birthday party next week.  But I’ll eat better after that.”

                The problem with this is that there is always an excuse.  “I was going to quit smoking, but work is so stressful at the beginning of a new year.”  Or, “I was planning to start my diet after the party, but all the guests brought junk food and now it’s all over my house.”

                When you’re really, seriously ready to make a change, don’t pick a date in the future - start now.

No exceptions

                There is a method of persuasion called the foot-in-the-door theory.  A friend asks for a dollar.  Sure, why not?  What’s a dollar?  “Oh actually, do you have a five?”  Studies show that you’re much more likely to give them the five than if they had just asked for it upfront.  You already have your wallet out.  You’re already in the mindset of giving your friend money.

                You persuade yourself of things with the foot-in-the-door theory all the time.  “Ok, just this one piece of cake,” you tell yourself.  But then the diet is shot for the day, so why not have Burger King for dinner, and what’s one more piece of cake?  And then the next day, well, you didn’t eat right yesterday, and nothing catastrophic happened as far as you can tell, so why not go back to your old ways?

                It’s like the old ad for Lay’s potato chips - you can’t have just one.  Real change means no exceptions.

Tell the World

                This is all about accountability.  I’ve been on “secret diets” before, because I’m by no means a large person - I just know I could eat better and be healthier, and it couldn’t hurt my long-term health to lose about 10 or 20 pounds.  So the diets have been secret because I don’t want to defend myself when people tell me I’m being ridiculous and I don’t need to lose weight.

                But is that really my motive?  Or do I just not want to be questioned when I have a moment of weakness and decide to order dessert?  If I’m with a friend who knows I’m trying to eat more healthfully (or read more, or drink less, or improve myself in any way) and they notice that I’m lapsing, I feel embarrassed.  If you’re making a change, it’s helpful to have the people in your life who love and care about you keeping tabs, even if it’s a little bit annoying.

                The flip side of that is that your friends and family can reinforce your changes.  If you’re trying to go to sleep earlier, they might observe that you seem more energized.  If you’re trying to be more direct, they might tell you that they really appreciate the way you’ve started to be more straightforward.  And those compliments - let’s face it - are really nice to hear.

                If you’re trying to change something about your life, don’t hide it - tell the world.

                One final note about change before I go watch the ball drop: make sure that whatever you’ve resolved to do better in 2012 is something you’re doing for yourself.  Personal growth is something I want to actively encourage, but it needs to be in the direction you think you need to grow.  Take a moment for introspection and make sure that this is something that you, not someone else, feel would be beneficial to you. 

Even if you’re Aware that your friend thinks you should go to the gym, and it causes you Discomfort when she remarks on it, you’re not going to make ANY change that you don’t want to make yourself.  This is not to say that something that has been suggested to you may not be valid, but make sure it’s something that you want too.

That said, have a happy New Year, and I wish you happiness and success with your resolutions in 2012! 

Tis the season for…

A friend of mine made a facebook post a few weeks ago about how therapists get a “holiday bonus” every year because the holidays are so stressful for people.  And while he’s very much correct in this observation, it got me thinking… why?

Regardless of denomination, it seems that in a season when people are supposed to be feeling jolly, joyful, charitable, loving, and spirited, guilt and stress are the feelings that run rampant.  I look around me, and I see Christmas trees, Menorahs, the last vestiges of autumn fading away, and cheerful lights on scattered houses.  But when I look at people, I see telltale signs of anxiety: wide eyes, disheveled hairdos, and frenzied, restless body language.

People are stressed out about gifts.  They wonder:

Do I get Allison a gift?  I don’t know her that well.  But what if she gets me a gift, and then I don’t have anything to reciprocate?  Then I’ll feel awful and guilty.  Or what if I get her something and she doesn’t have anything for me?  Then she’ll feel awful and guilty, and I’ll feel awkward.  Or what if I get her a calendar and she gets me something expensive?  Or if she gets me something expensive and I don’t get her anything at all?

It’s a downward spiral.  As society tells us tis the season to give gifts, there’s an unintended consequence of making people feel that they need to designate which people in their lives get gifts, and which people in their life are unworthy.  It’s no wonder people go into shopping frenzies, ripping their hair out over who to buy for, making their list and checking it twice, three times, four times. 

And then there’s the financial aspect of gift-giving.  The December holidays are an especially stressful time of year for people who are in a tight financial situation.  This is something that I’ve found to be especially true for parents in low-income families who celebrate Christmas.  (While all gift-giving denominations feel stress in regards to this, Christmas seems to carry a larger amount of pressure than other holidays… perhaps this is because parents tell their children that their gifts come from Santa Claus, and they worry that their children will believe they were “naughty” if they don’t get everything on their list.  Or maybe it’s because there’s such a gift-giving culture to Christmas.)  Parents fear that their children will feel deprived if there isn’t a formidable pile of gifts under the Christmas tree.  I have known some people who have taken out large loans in order to give their families a spectacular Christmas, and then spent the rest of the year paying for their generosity.  I have known others who have spent all of November and most of December crying daily at their lack of ability to give their young children the Christmas or other holiday they would like to.

So how does one alleviate this gift-giving anxiety?

1.       When it comes to concerns about reciprocity, communication is key.  It may seem crass, but the people in your life who love you don’t want you to feel stressed out.  Call people, and ask what the gift-giving expectation is in that relationship.  Ask people, “are we doing the gift thing this year?”  They may be having the same worries, and it’s possible they will even feel relieved you’ve asked. 

2.       If your worries are of a financial nature, investigate programs in your area that help people in low-income families.  In Boston, the local newspaper does “Globe Santa,” where you can sign up to have gifts delivered to your home.  Many towns also have “toy banks,” which are like food banks, except they provide toys to give as gifts, especially around the holidays.

3.       For 2012, plan ahead.  A friend of mine mentioned that what he likes to do is buy things that remind him of the people in his life and hold onto them until an appropriate gift-giving occasion.  If you’re able to organize yourself well enough, this can help to alleviate the need to dump all your money into the economy in the span of a single month.  If you see something on December 27^th that your friend Bill would really like, don’t wait until next Black Friday (or Small Business Saturday or Cyber Monday) to get it – if you have the cash flow available, buy it then and hold onto it until next December (or Bill’s birthday).

The second major source of stress around the holidays is family issues.  Some people have families that, try as they might, simply cannot get along.  But Christmas, Chanukah, and December in general is billed as a “time for family.”  Everyone gets together for dinner, and in the Norman Rockwell painting in your mind, Mom smiles joyfully and Dad carves the turkey, while you, your younger brother, and your older sister harmonize a gleeful rendition of Jingle Bells or I Have a Little Dreidel.  The embers burn in the fireplace, and the room and everyone’s hearts are warm. 

For some people, this may be a reality, but for a lot of families it’s far from it.  According to Froma Walsh’s book Normal Family Processes (2002), only 25% of American families with children under age 18 consist of a mother, a father, and their biological children.  This is not to say that there are no happy families that don’t meet that definition: certainly many happy holidays are had by Daddy 1, Daddy 2, and the two children they have adopted, or Single Mom or Dad and her or his 3 children, or, for that matter, Mom, Dad, Stepmom, Stepdad, brother, sister, half-brother, and stepsister.  But nontraditional families may feel that something is lacking during the holidays.

And, even more importantly, not all families are happy.  Some families have sibling rivalry, or an alcoholic mother, or a hypercritical father, or a child with developmental disabilities or severe mental health issues.  And when all of these people get together to try to create the holiday spirit they’re “supposed” to have, everyone just feels disappointed and distressed.  And after a few years of feeling disappointed and distressed, a lot of people come to dread the holidays with their family more than they look forward to it.  And this, of course, causes a month of anxiety in anticipation of that horrible, chaotic dinner.

How to mitigate family stressors around the holidays:

1.       Accept your family for who they are.  You’re not going to change them, but you can adjust your expectations.  Your parents, siblings, and extended family are who they are.  If you go in with false expectations that your critical parent or needy sibling will be a different person just because it’s a holiday, you will be disappointed.  Hope for the best, of course, but if you can take your family’s imperfections as they are, the day, and the month leading up to it, will be a lot less stressful.

2.       If your family is a huge stressor for you, consider asking them to join you in therapy.  As you grow up, your family determines who you become, and if you blame them for the unhappiness in your life, it can be helpful to open up to them and discuss that with them in a safe space, moderated by a trained and qualified family therapist.

3.       If your family is excessively dysfunctional, especially if you have a history of trauma or abuse related to them, consider allowing yourself to skip the family holiday celebration.  Spend the holidays with close friends or a significant other, and for the sake of your own mental health and wellbeing, politely decline the invitation.