In a marriage or other long-term romantic relationship, a
person expresses love but their partner complains that they don’t. Maybe, according to Gary Chapman, it’s that they’re
expressing that love in a way their partner doesn’t understand.
The premise of this book, which I read on the recommendation
of many friends, colleagues, and clients, is that people speak different “love
languages,” and if you want to be heard, you need to learn to learn to speak
the love language that comes most naturally to your partner. Frequently, this means that you need to learn
a whole new way of communicating how you feel.
I appreciated that the book differentiated between the giddy
“in love” stage of a new relationship and the day-to-day mundaneness of a
marriage or cohabitation that’s been around for years. After the shiny newness wears off, what’s
left is human beings yearning for connection and craving expressions of
love. The problem is that people express
and receive love differently.
According to the book, there are 5 love languages:
1. Words of Affirmation – Giving compliments, expressing
appreciation verbally, offering encouragement, saying the words “I love you.”
2. Quality Time – Spending time with someone in a focused
and present way (i.e. not binge-watching Netflix together but rather being
attentive to one another), Practicing active listening
3. Receiving Gifts – Giving physical objects to your
partner, not necessarily expensive things, but things that are thoughtful and
have the message of, “I was thinking of you.”
4. Acts of Service – Doing helpful tasks, such as helping
around the house
5. Physical Touch – Including but not limited to sexual
intercourse, as well as back rubs, holding hands, hugs, touching your partner’s
shoulder, etc.
The premise presented is that if you, for example, believe
that acts of service are important but your partner’s love language is quality
time, then your partner might feel unloved even though you believe yourself to
be expressing how you feel, loud and clear.
It gives a great example of a couple in this situation, where a husband
would vacuum, prepare dinner, mow the lawn, and do laundry to show his wife how
he felt, but the wife felt neglected and thought, “I wish he would stop being
so busy and come sit and talk with me instead.”
This book provides useful information not only about the
different love languages, but also about how to identify your and your partner’s
love language, and how to implement changes that will result in renewed
feelings of marital/relational bliss.
I highly recommend this simple but profound book to anyone
struggling to rekindle the feelings of love in their relationship, and I am
certain I will be recommending it and using these concepts with many, many
clients in the future.
