Change for the New Year

                “How do people change?”

                I was at my group interview for graduate school, and my interviewer, Dr. Stan Charnofsky, the head of the department to which I was hoping to gain admission, had just asked us this question.  The eight of us sat there, looking like deer in the headlights.  We hadn’t studied any of this yet – how were we supposed to know?  Always assertive, I ventured a guess.

                “Well…” I said, tentatively, “I think you’re probably not going to change something about your life or yourself unless it’s causing you discomfort.  Change – real change – takes a lot of work.  So unless you feel that something is really wrong, you’re not going to make the effort.”

                Stan, as he asked us to call him, nodded in agreement.  “And awareness,” he added.  “The first step is for a person to become aware that there’s a problem.”

                As we approach the New Year, a lot of people are hoping to make changes.  Many people make resolutions.  They recognize their shortcomings and say, “I can be better, and I want to make a change.”

                If you’re making a resolution, chances are you’ve already reached the point of awareness and discomfort.  For example, if your goal is to lose weight, you are aware that you weigh more than you would like to, and you are uncomfortable with this notion.  So you resolve to do something about it.  Excellent.

                But really, that’s step 1.  Where do you go from there?  Because every year, thousands of people get to the point of awareness and discomfort, make a resolution on January 1^st, and return to their pie-eating, sedentary lifestyles by January 4^th. 

                The subject of change was also later addressed at a workshop I attended while in graduate school.  The process was presented in 3 simple steps:

1. Start immediately
2. No exceptions
3. Tell the world

Start Immediately

                You’ve probably heard the adage, “never put off until tomorrow what you can do today.”  Equally relevant is, “no time like the present.”  People often designate a date to start their desired change.  New Years is a popular one.  “Starting in 2012, I’m not going to smoke anymore.”  Or people find times when they believe it will be difficult to stick to their guns.  “I can’t start my diet today, because I’m throwing my friend a birthday party next week.  But I’ll eat better after that.”

                The problem with this is that there is always an excuse.  “I was going to quit smoking, but work is so stressful at the beginning of a new year.”  Or, “I was planning to start my diet after the party, but all the guests brought junk food and now it’s all over my house.”

                When you’re really, seriously ready to make a change, don’t pick a date in the future - start now.

No exceptions

                There is a method of persuasion called the foot-in-the-door theory.  A friend asks for a dollar.  Sure, why not?  What’s a dollar?  “Oh actually, do you have a five?”  Studies show that you’re much more likely to give them the five than if they had just asked for it upfront.  You already have your wallet out.  You’re already in the mindset of giving your friend money.

                You persuade yourself of things with the foot-in-the-door theory all the time.  “Ok, just this one piece of cake,” you tell yourself.  But then the diet is shot for the day, so why not have Burger King for dinner, and what’s one more piece of cake?  And then the next day, well, you didn’t eat right yesterday, and nothing catastrophic happened as far as you can tell, so why not go back to your old ways?

                It’s like the old ad for Lay’s potato chips - you can’t have just one.  Real change means no exceptions.

Tell the World

                This is all about accountability.  I’ve been on “secret diets” before, because I’m by no means a large person - I just know I could eat better and be healthier, and it couldn’t hurt my long-term health to lose about 10 or 20 pounds.  So the diets have been secret because I don’t want to defend myself when people tell me I’m being ridiculous and I don’t need to lose weight.

                But is that really my motive?  Or do I just not want to be questioned when I have a moment of weakness and decide to order dessert?  If I’m with a friend who knows I’m trying to eat more healthfully (or read more, or drink less, or improve myself in any way) and they notice that I’m lapsing, I feel embarrassed.  If you’re making a change, it’s helpful to have the people in your life who love and care about you keeping tabs, even if it’s a little bit annoying.

                The flip side of that is that your friends and family can reinforce your changes.  If you’re trying to go to sleep earlier, they might observe that you seem more energized.  If you’re trying to be more direct, they might tell you that they really appreciate the way you’ve started to be more straightforward.  And those compliments - let’s face it - are really nice to hear.

                If you’re trying to change something about your life, don’t hide it - tell the world.

                One final note about change before I go watch the ball drop: make sure that whatever you’ve resolved to do better in 2012 is something you’re doing for yourself.  Personal growth is something I want to actively encourage, but it needs to be in the direction you think you need to grow.  Take a moment for introspection and make sure that this is something that you, not someone else, feel would be beneficial to you. 

Even if you’re Aware that your friend thinks you should go to the gym, and it causes you Discomfort when she remarks on it, you’re not going to make ANY change that you don’t want to make yourself.  This is not to say that something that has been suggested to you may not be valid, but make sure it’s something that you want too.

That said, have a happy New Year, and I wish you happiness and success with your resolutions in 2012! 

Tis the season for…

A friend of mine made a facebook post a few weeks ago about how therapists get a “holiday bonus” every year because the holidays are so stressful for people.  And while he’s very much correct in this observation, it got me thinking… why?

Regardless of denomination, it seems that in a season when people are supposed to be feeling jolly, joyful, charitable, loving, and spirited, guilt and stress are the feelings that run rampant.  I look around me, and I see Christmas trees, Menorahs, the last vestiges of autumn fading away, and cheerful lights on scattered houses.  But when I look at people, I see telltale signs of anxiety: wide eyes, disheveled hairdos, and frenzied, restless body language.

People are stressed out about gifts.  They wonder:

Do I get Allison a gift?  I don’t know her that well.  But what if she gets me a gift, and then I don’t have anything to reciprocate?  Then I’ll feel awful and guilty.  Or what if I get her something and she doesn’t have anything for me?  Then she’ll feel awful and guilty, and I’ll feel awkward.  Or what if I get her a calendar and she gets me something expensive?  Or if she gets me something expensive and I don’t get her anything at all?

It’s a downward spiral.  As society tells us tis the season to give gifts, there’s an unintended consequence of making people feel that they need to designate which people in their lives get gifts, and which people in their life are unworthy.  It’s no wonder people go into shopping frenzies, ripping their hair out over who to buy for, making their list and checking it twice, three times, four times. 

And then there’s the financial aspect of gift-giving.  The December holidays are an especially stressful time of year for people who are in a tight financial situation.  This is something that I’ve found to be especially true for parents in low-income families who celebrate Christmas.  (While all gift-giving denominations feel stress in regards to this, Christmas seems to carry a larger amount of pressure than other holidays… perhaps this is because parents tell their children that their gifts come from Santa Claus, and they worry that their children will believe they were “naughty” if they don’t get everything on their list.  Or maybe it’s because there’s such a gift-giving culture to Christmas.)  Parents fear that their children will feel deprived if there isn’t a formidable pile of gifts under the Christmas tree.  I have known some people who have taken out large loans in order to give their families a spectacular Christmas, and then spent the rest of the year paying for their generosity.  I have known others who have spent all of November and most of December crying daily at their lack of ability to give their young children the Christmas or other holiday they would like to.

So how does one alleviate this gift-giving anxiety?

1.       When it comes to concerns about reciprocity, communication is key.  It may seem crass, but the people in your life who love you don’t want you to feel stressed out.  Call people, and ask what the gift-giving expectation is in that relationship.  Ask people, “are we doing the gift thing this year?”  They may be having the same worries, and it’s possible they will even feel relieved you’ve asked. 

2.       If your worries are of a financial nature, investigate programs in your area that help people in low-income families.  In Boston, the local newspaper does “Globe Santa,” where you can sign up to have gifts delivered to your home.  Many towns also have “toy banks,” which are like food banks, except they provide toys to give as gifts, especially around the holidays.

3.       For 2012, plan ahead.  A friend of mine mentioned that what he likes to do is buy things that remind him of the people in his life and hold onto them until an appropriate gift-giving occasion.  If you’re able to organize yourself well enough, this can help to alleviate the need to dump all your money into the economy in the span of a single month.  If you see something on December 27^th that your friend Bill would really like, don’t wait until next Black Friday (or Small Business Saturday or Cyber Monday) to get it – if you have the cash flow available, buy it then and hold onto it until next December (or Bill’s birthday).

The second major source of stress around the holidays is family issues.  Some people have families that, try as they might, simply cannot get along.  But Christmas, Chanukah, and December in general is billed as a “time for family.”  Everyone gets together for dinner, and in the Norman Rockwell painting in your mind, Mom smiles joyfully and Dad carves the turkey, while you, your younger brother, and your older sister harmonize a gleeful rendition of Jingle Bells or I Have a Little Dreidel.  The embers burn in the fireplace, and the room and everyone’s hearts are warm. 

For some people, this may be a reality, but for a lot of families it’s far from it.  According to Froma Walsh’s book Normal Family Processes (2002), only 25% of American families with children under age 18 consist of a mother, a father, and their biological children.  This is not to say that there are no happy families that don’t meet that definition: certainly many happy holidays are had by Daddy 1, Daddy 2, and the two children they have adopted, or Single Mom or Dad and her or his 3 children, or, for that matter, Mom, Dad, Stepmom, Stepdad, brother, sister, half-brother, and stepsister.  But nontraditional families may feel that something is lacking during the holidays.

And, even more importantly, not all families are happy.  Some families have sibling rivalry, or an alcoholic mother, or a hypercritical father, or a child with developmental disabilities or severe mental health issues.  And when all of these people get together to try to create the holiday spirit they’re “supposed” to have, everyone just feels disappointed and distressed.  And after a few years of feeling disappointed and distressed, a lot of people come to dread the holidays with their family more than they look forward to it.  And this, of course, causes a month of anxiety in anticipation of that horrible, chaotic dinner.

How to mitigate family stressors around the holidays:

1.       Accept your family for who they are.  You’re not going to change them, but you can adjust your expectations.  Your parents, siblings, and extended family are who they are.  If you go in with false expectations that your critical parent or needy sibling will be a different person just because it’s a holiday, you will be disappointed.  Hope for the best, of course, but if you can take your family’s imperfections as they are, the day, and the month leading up to it, will be a lot less stressful.

2.       If your family is a huge stressor for you, consider asking them to join you in therapy.  As you grow up, your family determines who you become, and if you blame them for the unhappiness in your life, it can be helpful to open up to them and discuss that with them in a safe space, moderated by a trained and qualified family therapist.

3.       If your family is excessively dysfunctional, especially if you have a history of trauma or abuse related to them, consider allowing yourself to skip the family holiday celebration.  Spend the holidays with close friends or a significant other, and for the sake of your own mental health and wellbeing, politely decline the invitation.

Viewing Families as a System

When I was in graduate school, we learned that families are systems that affect each other.  When one “piece” of the family changes, the others adjust to accommodate those changes so that the family maintains a balance and its needs are met.  All of this is fine when read in a text book and heard in a lecture, but it’s amazing how true it also is in practice.

I am going to tell you the story of the first client I ever saw, with details changed, of course, to protect their confidentiality.

                Eleanor was a mother of 3, who came into my office with her young children, aged 6, 4, and 1.  She was coming in for Amanda, her oldest child, who had been having significant behavioral problems in her kindergarten class and at home.  She had been throwing temper tantrums at least 3 times a day, was inattentive and hyperactive at school, and picked fights almost daily with her siblings. 

                I radiated inexperience, but I went over office policies and then gave Eleanor the floor to explain this to me while Amanda and her sister wreaked havoc in the office, pulling anything that looked like a toy off the shelf and her brother cried for attention on his mother’s lap.  Eleanor tried to control her children, but truthfully, she was too anguished to tend sufficiently to their chaotic actions.

                As Eleanor’s words told me she was worried about Amanda, her tears told me another story.  Sitting before me was a multistressed woman who was not happy at home.  She told me about how things had been hard at home because her husband was never around anymore, and she explained to me, still crying, that this was something she believed greatly affected her children.

                Towards the end of the session, I made a gentle suggestion: it seemed to me that she could use a place to talk, and that she was frustrated in her marriage.  Sometimes, I told her, remembering my text books and lectures with mild skepticism, when children are acting up, it’s a reflection of the other problems in the family.  The way to fix the children’s behavior is to fix the tension among the adults.  Eleanor agreed to bring her husband, Frank, in for couples therapy.

               

Through couples therapy, Eleanor and Frank began to work on their problems.  After several sessions, they were both much happier in their marriage and in their family.  I was amazed and humbled at this couple’s ability to use therapy so effectively under my guidance to fix the problems in their relationship. 

I saw Frank and Eleanor for about 10 weeks.  At their final session, they were no longer crying, yelling, fighting.  Instead, they were a loving couple, holding hands.  They acknowledged that maintaining their newfound happiness would require some ongoing work, but felt they had learned a lot about themselves and each other through their therapy.

And Amanda?  As soon as her parents started getting along and being loving to one another again, her negative behaviors all but disappeared.

And that’s the magic of how family systems work.

Bibliotherapy: A Complaint Free World

I complain a lot.  I would have said I “used to” complain a lot, but it has become abundantly clear through a new project I have undertaken that this is not entirely the truth.  Let me explain how this realization came to pass.

The last several months of my life have been full of transition and new developments.  Some of these things have been good, and there have definitely been rough spots, but as with any change, it has been stressful.  And in speaking to my therapist (yes, I have my own therapist – I firmly believe that it’s important for therapists to process their own stuff in order to be more effective with their clients), I marveled at the stability of my closest friendships throughout these trying times. 

“The thing is,” I told her, “if someone came over to my house every day and complained about money and complained about work and complained about this and complained about that, I’m pretty sure I would quickly tire of that person.”

“I think you have,” she said.

Wow, what a revelation!  I was tired of hearing myself complain!

Coincidentally, I had just bought a book a few weeks prior at a Borders going-out-of-business sale called A Complaint Free World by Will Bowen.  The book urges readers to try to stop complaining entirely for 21 consecutive days.  You do this through a basic behavioral therapy technique, in which you wear a purple wristband (initially available through their website for free, though they have since started charging a small amount of money), and every time you complain, you switch it to the other wrist.  This action raises your awareness of how much you complain, causes you to attempt to decrease the behavior, and, in effect, causes you to complain less.

When I first started doing this, someone asked me if I would have any clients left if everyone were to stop complaining.  This point is a valid one and one that I wondered about myself.  While I feel that a large portion of my job is to get people to talk about the positive things in their life in order to strive for more of the same, isn’t one of the lessons of therapy that talking about things is better than bottling them up?  Doesn’t complete cessation of complaints simply produce a phony and unhealthy façade?

In short, yes and no.

The book does an excellent job defining what, exactly a complaint is, and even makes the point that processing feelings is different from regurgitating a series of annoying events just to gain sympathy from others.  It also talks a lot about the energy behind a negative comment.  This was something, as I began the book, that actually concerned me about the theory.  I wondered:

If I order chicken, and the waiter brings me fish, am I supposed to just eat the fish?  Is saying that I ordered chicken and received the wrong food item a complaint? 

According to the book, no.  If I say, “Excuse me, but I think there’s been a mistake… I ordered the chicken,” that is not a complaint.  On the other hand, if I exasperatedly storm over to the waiter, call him a jerk, and demand that my meal be rectified, that’s a complaint.

While A Complaint Free World has parallels with the Law of Attraction (the theory that if you think about good things, they will magically manifest in your life), a theory whose New Age-iness leaves me feeling ambivalent, I agree with the basic sentiment of both of these theories, which is that it never hurts to try to put more positive energy in the world.  Personally, I’d rather live in a happy place with happy, positive people… wouldn’t you?

I haven’t made it through a full day yet without switching my purple bracelet.  But I’m working on it, and by being more mindful of it, I’m finding that there are more positive things coming out of my mouth.  And for a start, that’s not half bad.

A shortlist of lessons from this book

1.       1. Complaining is reinforced with sympathy.  Children learn at a very young age that if they complain, it will be rewarded.  A child who scrapes his knee and complains three hours later that it hurts is given reassuring hugs and pats on the head.  This is not to say one shouldn’t sympathize with and give attention to children in pain, but rather it makes the point that the reason we complain so much goes far back into childhood.  We learn very early that if we want people to show they care about us, complaining is the way to go about achieving that.  Think of it as deep-rooted fishing for compliments.

2.      2. A direct quotation from the book: ”When we complain, often we live in a state of ‘something is wrong’ and this increases stress in our lives.”  It’s so true.  One of the stressful events in my life was an aversive job that I got into the habit of complaining about on a daily basis.  When I left that job for another much more favorable job, I found myself searching for things about it that merited complaining.  When complaining is a way of life, you will seek it out even when things are good. 

3.      3. You can say the same words with different intentions, and it ceases to be a complaint.  “There was a lot of traffic on the highway” as an explanation for why you’re running behind is not, in itself a complaint.  “There was a lot of traffic on the highway” as a conversation starter intended to stir up sympathy for your plight of sitting in an air conditioned car for an hour is.

What’s in Store for a Gryffindor?: The Nature of Bravery

I have a story to tell you with a great moral.  Allow me, please, to be a little bit of a nerd for a moment, and then I’ll get to the psychology of it all.  I promise.

Anyone familiar with the Harry Potter universe can tell you about the four houses of Hogwarts.  Ravenclaw is for those whose primary quality is their intelligence.  Slytherin is for those who are ambitious.  Hufflepuff contains those who are most loyal.  And Gryffindor, the lens through which we hear the entire story, is for the bravest of the brave. 

For over a decade, rabid fans of the book series have identified with a specific house.  There have been “Which house are you” facebook quizzes and lengthy questionnaires on a plethora of websites, all of which seek to emulate the “Sorting Hat” that first-year Hogwarts students wear in order to learn where they will spend their seven years at the school.

But just recently, J.K. Rowling, the book’s author, has released a website called Pottermore.  Pottermore contains new information about the characters, the places, the spells, and the magical world.  It also provides an interactive experience, where users can shop at Diagon Alley for their school supplies, brew potions, and, of course, get sorted into their house.  This sorting is done through a random sampling of about 50-100 questions.  Each participant answers seven of those questions, and the Sorting Hat makes its declaration.  Its ruling is considered somewhat definitive, and those who are big fans of the series take it seriously.  As one tongue-in-cheek online support group for those who have been “improperly sorted” says, “Queen Rowling has spoken and told us where we belong.”

Last night, a friend and I were exploring the new website.  After much anticipation, we reached the Sorting Hat.  I have often fancied myself a Gryffindor, though I have strong qualities of Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff too and, at times, even a little bit of Slytherin.

However, my friend considers herself a Ravenclaw – the “smart” house.  And we all consider her a Ravenclaw too.  Highly educated, full of knowledge and information, her intelligence is the first thing nearly anyone would notice when they meet her.  Secondarily, she could be a Hufflepuff – the “loyal” house.  She nearly always considers others before herself, and is an intensely loyal friend. 

My friend, smart and loyal as she is, has many fears.  She is afraid of heights, the dark, rollercoasters, bugs, confrontation, and uncomfortable social situations.  When asked, in the course of the quiz, “What do you fear most?,” I immediately clicked “Isolation,” but she sat there deliberating over the seven choices for five whole minutes before choosing one.

When we finished our seven questions, we sat there, on separate laptops, our cursor hovering over the button that would reveal our House.  “Ok,” I said, “on three.”

We clicked.

And as I held my breath, my screen turned bright red.  Gryffindor!!  I grinned.  I had been nervous that I would have to exchange my fan paraphernalia upon discovering that I was pretty brave, but really more smart or loyal. 

I looked at my friend’s screen, expecting to see a deep Ravenclaw blue.  But hers was red too!

I felt confused.  She felt confused.  We started making hypotheses – maybe my presence had influenced her choices.  Maybe she should have gone with her gut and her first impulse instead of choosing her answers so carefully.  At least, I told her, it was only the house I would have expected her to be in SECOND least.  Never has there been a person who was less of a Slytherin.

“I love you,” I told her, “but you really aren’t a Gryffindor.”

She left for the evening, looking confused and feeling, I think, quite annoyed.  And I was confused too – clearly, the questions were broken.

But after sleeping on it, I have a different thought: My friend is incredibly brave.

I remembered the time we were at the theatre and someone started yelling aggressively at me, and she came to my aid to try to back me up and diffuse the situation.

I thought about her social anxiety, measured next to all of the Meetup groups she attends and parties she goes to.

I considered her strong feelings of right and wrong, her tendency to vocally and actively support the causes she believes in.

And I had a revelation.  Bravery is not about a lack of fear.  It’s about a willingness to do things that scare the pants off you or are outside your comfort zone in order to strive for the world you want to live in.  It’s about standing up for what you believe, even if you’re afraid.  It’s about being afraid when it’s okay to be afraid, but swallowing those fears and doing what you need to do if it needs to be done.

And I’m pretty sure my friend, while terrified of a laundry list of different things, would climb to the roof of a skyscraper and decapitate a giant spider in order to confront a villain if it meant saving the world in which we live.

Wear Your Happy on Your Sleeve!

“You do an eclectic celebration of the dance!  You do Fosse Fosse Fosse Fosse Fosse!  You do Martha Graham Martha Graham, or Twyla, Twyla, Twyla, or Michael Kidde Michael Kidde Michael Kidde Michael Kidde, or Madonna, Madonna, Madonna, Madonna… but you keep it all inside.”

-Robin Williams in The Birdcage

…but why keep it all inside?  What’s the danger in singing out loud, in dancing through the streets, in telling your friends and family you love them?  It’s a sitcom staple for the quirkly, slightly socially inept to be “caught” doing a happy dance, for which he (as the character is most often male) is either relentlessly teased or cautioned against.  (“Don’t do the happy dance,” a female character often cautions her significant other, pre-empting his physical expression of his emotion.)

To be clear, I am not advocating for the open and unbridled expression of all emotions on a day-to-day, id-powered, feel-it-so-express-it kind of a basis.  Even if you’re having the kind of day that makes you very angry, or very sad, or very fearful or apprehensive, you need to be able to function.  You need to be able to go to work, and when a client or coworker asks how you’re doing, to answer with a functional, “fine, and you?”  If instead you respond that you’re livid because your boss just treated you unfairly and sometimes she pisses you off so much that you just want to set the building on fire while screaming unpleasant things about her family and upbringing… well, you may quickly find yourself out of a job.

Don’t get me wrong – it’s important to express these feelings.  It’s important to be able to talk about the very sad or infuriating things in your life, and to be able to discuss your worries about the future with your nearest and dearest.  Whether it’s a therapist or a friend you confide in, you have to get that stuff out too. 

But to function in the world, you can’t just let that stuff out in full force to whoever happens to be around you.  You can’t just walk around like an emotional autopsy in progress, all your anger and sadness and fear and frustration and bitterness hanging out of you like the liver of a murder suspect.  As a respected supervisor is fond of saying, you have to let those things out in appropriate ways and at appropriate times, and then when you go back out into the world, you have to “zip yourself up” so that you can be a functional member of society.

And I get that.  That makes sense.  But why happiness?  If you just found out you were approved for a loan and can buy your first house, or that you’re about to be a parent, or if you’re just in a great mood because your favorite song was on the radio, what’s the harm in telling the world?  Society tells us to “play it cool,” but I disagree.  I think happiness, positive thinking, and general goodwill are contagious.  I think if you’re so happy that you can’t contain it inside your body, do your happy dance.  Belt out a few notes.  Grin like your cheeks are trying to escape your face.  Look on the bright side without reservation or hesitation.

And if people look at you like you’re crazy… encourage them to give it a try too.  “The world,” inform them, “could use a little more happiness.”