Karen Horney, a disciple of Sigmund Freud’s, referred to a concept called “The Tyranny of the Shoulds.” Although she lived about a century ago, that concept is still quite relevant today, and in my perception, responsible for a lot of the sadness, frustration, anger, and anxiety that people feel.
Many people go through their lives talking about what others should and should not do. Even those of us who refrain from criticizing others have many “Shoulds,” conscious and unconscious, that dictate our daily actions. A lot of these thoughts stem all the way from our childhoods, from messages we were given, deliberately or otherwise, by the people in our lives.
Some Shoulds have very good reasons for existing in our lives. “You should refrain from doing bodily harm to others” is an obvious example. Also, “you should stop to make sure there’s no one coming the other direction when approaching a red octagon” and “you should brush your teeth”. If you ignore these rules, you are likely to end up injuring someone, getting in a car accident, or losing your teeth to cavities and decay.
Other Shoulds, however, are things we carry around with us as learned behaviors – things we never really question, and do simply because we should. Many of these are smaller things. For example, when I was growing up my father was fond of telling me I should put my socks on before my pants, or that I should shower and dress for the day before doing anything else. While these are sound pieces of advice, and while he meant well, the real question is… why?
Why does it matter if I put on my pants first? Who will it hurt if I watch a Tivo’ed episode of The Simpsons before I change out of my pajamas on a Saturday with no plans or obligations?
But there are deeper Shoulds too – things that don’t have to do with daily upkeep or habits. There are Shoulds about who we should spend our time with, what we should aspire to, how we should whittle away our spare time. Shoulds dictate appropriate conversational topics, career choices, the extent to which we express our thoughts and feelings to others, the ways in which we limit ourselves.
Alex is told he should aspire to be a doctor, but he prefers English class to biology.
Sara loves math, but has been told by her family that as a girl, she should be better at the humanities.
Billy loves to sing, but has been discouraged from doing so by his parents, who think he should spend his time on something more “useful”.
Joe is having strong feelings towards other men, but has been told that he should ignore them and try to be “normal”.
All of these Shoulds are far more damaging than the order in which one puts on clothing, or even whether one stops when a sign indicates one should.
If you are feeling depressed or angry in regards to a strong belief, I urge you to ask yourself some questions:
1. What is the belief or “should” that I have that is being contradicted by what I feel is right?
2. What is the purpose of this “should”? Where did it come from?
3. What would the consequence be if I chose to ignore this “should”?
4. If there are no major consequences, how can I begin to take steps to overcome this “should”?
As a friend of mine astutely observed, “should” is a tricky word. If you can overcome the Tyranny of the Shoulds, you may find that you feel much more at ease.
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