Hurt People Hurt People

 

One day, I had a conversation with an acquaintance.  Out of nowhere, the tone of the conversation went from amicable to mean-spirited.  One minute, we were friendly, and the next minute, he was lashing out at me for seemingly no reason.

“Hurt people hurt people, Jennie,” he said with a shrug by way of explanation, staring at me defiantly, waiting for me to disagree.  I didn’t know at the time that he was quoting a sentiment that’s been said by a lot of people in a lot of forums.  I thought it was a clever turn of phrase, his clever turn of phrase.  But regardless of its origins, something felt wrong about his use of this as a justification for why he had just said something biting, something hurtful.

The thing is, it’s not an excuse.  It’s not a rationale.  It’s a statement of responsibility.  Because once you acknowledge that the reason you have a desire to make someone else hurt is that you, yourself, are hurting, you have a lot of power to perpetuate or end that chain.  If Billy has a broken heart and lashes out at Suzy, who then snips sarcastically at Amy, who invalidates Anthony, who kicks his dog, who bites the mailman…. Well, you get the point.  It goes on forever, and we then live in a world where people are forever hurting others.

But this is also a recognition that can be wielded for the power of good.  If you can find the emotional distance from your impulse to react to someone who, perhaps, did not mean to make you upset, then you have the ability to remind yourself of that simple and catchy phrase: Hurt people hurt people.  And then, when you say, “I, myself, am a hurt person in this moment,” you own that feeling.  When you own the feeling, it’s difficult to blame someone else unless they truly meant to hurt you. 

And then you have the power to end that cycle.  You can acknowledge your own pain, process it as a thing separate from your interaction in the moment, and respond more calmly.  If you were impulsive and acted on that pain before processing it, you can own it as your own and apologize, letting the person know that it had nothing to do with them. 

But what if the person who hurt you DID intend to hurt your feelings?  Well then you can use this frame of thought to understand their actions from a place of their pain.  You can think, “they’re being cruel to me because they’re in pain, not because they’re inherently mean or awful” and respond to that pain instead of the cruelty. 

If enough people saw this point of view, thought to themselves, “hurt people hurt people” and followed it with the self-reflective thought, “what can I do about it?” there would be a lot fewer hurt people to hurt other people in the future.  The effect would trickle down, and pretty soon everyone would be kinder to each other.  Perhaps this is naively utopian.  Maybe it’s unrealistic on a large scale.  But the chance that as an individual, we can take the first step towards a kinder world…

Well that’s a very powerful thing.

The Upside of Cohabitation

Google the phrase “moving in together”.  Go ahead, do it.  I’ll wait.

Or, if you’d prefer, I can do the legwork for you.  Here’s what you’ll find:

• Articles for men warning the inevitable demise of  their sex lives
• Articles for women promising that romance will be replaced by bickering about dirty socks on the floor
• Pragmatic advice about managing shared finances, getting rid of furniture, and division of chores
• Studies citing that those who live together before marriage are more likely to get divorced (true, but with many caveats)
• Advertisements for moving companies

The thing is, there are a lot of bad reasons to move in together.  It’s a bad idea to move in with someone exclusively because it seems like the best way to save money or decrease someone’s commute.  It’s a bad idea to move in with someone in order to try to “fix” the relationship.  (If there are big broken things in your relationship, moving in with someone will always make it worse.)  In fact, there’s really only one great reason to move in with someone else: You love your partner, you love your relationship, you’ve given it a great deal of thought, and you’ve collaboratively come to the conclusion that you’d like to take the next step towards a shared future. 

And I think that’s what these Google hits are trying to address – is basically a “proceed with caution” attitude.  But none of these articles address the upside to living together.  So why would anyone do it?  If all you’re doing is destining yourself to a life devoid of sex and romance where you bicker over chores, manage practical aspects of life, and eventually and inevitably get divorced, why on earth would anyone make this decision?

Well, because of the upside.  Curious about this subject, I asked people in their 20s and 30s who were happily cohabitating (some married, some not) questions about the good stuff, and here’s some of what they had to say:

What made you decide you wanted to live with your partner?

People surveyed talked about a mixture of convenience and moving forward.  Some moved in together because of roommate problems, a desire for increased convenience, and cheaper rent (though most not exclusively for these reasons).  Others moved in together after a long conversation and a lot of consideration about taking a deliberate step forward, either after becoming engaged or with an eventual engagement being discussed.  Most people talked about it as a slow increase in shared evenings at one of their homes, culminating in a decision that it should be made official. 

I decided that I wanted to live with my partner because I absolutely adored him and wanted to spend every possible minute I could with him. We spent a considerable amount of time together before we lived together, so moving in just really meant moving more of my stuff over. So I would say a mixture of adoration and convenience?

-Meredith M

I realized that the nights we spent together were better than the nights we spent apart.

-Joshua W.

We had been together for almost two years and it came to the point that we were spending basically every night together so it felt natural. It took a few months of unofficially living together before we moved into one place together. Also, we didn't feel quite ready to get married but wanted  to take the relationship a step further then just dating so moving in felt like the natural next step. 

-Joanna L.

We had been dating for 2.5 years at the time (it was during college), we had already discussed marriage, and both of our college roommate situations were less than ideal. Further, we were constantly at each other's places... we cooked dinner at mine, hung out at his, and only slept separately since we both shared rooms with roommates. Every morning, we'd get together as soon as we had a break in classes and not separate again until it was time for bed. We also just wanted to live together. We felt like we were ready for that step and we were planning to spend our lives together anyway--so why not start then?

-Tara C.

A lot of it had to do with timing.  We decided to move in together about two years into the relationship. Matt was just starting a masters program and I was still in grad school, so we knew that since we were both going to be rather stable for the next couple of years, a move in together was long term. We also rather knew that living together was going to work out.  Matt was already staying over at my apartment about three days a week, so we knew it wasn't going to be a huge change in lifestyle to be officially living in the same apartment. There was also a financial element that was part of it.  We knew that if we were to have two separate apartments, it would have been a financial hardship, and it made sense to movie into together.  And after about two years of dating, we felt that it was about time to make that next step.

-Jason G.

What’s your favorite thing about living with your partner?

These responses were a lot of fun to read, because people gushed about everything.  Things that came up again and again were shared beds and shared meals.  People of all genders who are happily cohabitating referred a great deal to how much they love cuddling up to someone at night and to what a joy it was to wake up beside their loved one in the morning.  People also talked about the ease of shared time, and the joys of coming home to their best friend.

Way more hugs and not sleeping alone. Also, having a person in the house even when I did not make specific plans.

-Jay P

My favorite thing about living with my partner is being able to get glimpses of his past and future that come up at unexpected times. I remember one morning getting dressed for day, he told me a story from his boyhood that was somehow triggered by our interaction. I don't know how much time it would have taken to learn that story had I not been in the right place at the right time. I also like watching him go through his daily routine, which comes first, face washing or tooth brushing? Its being part of those small meaningless yet intimate moments that I love. 

-Meredith M

I love that from almost the very beginning we got to create new memories together every day, and I love that we get to start and finish each day together.

-Lisa C

My favorite thing about living with my partner is EVERYTHING. I seriously do not think there is anything that I do not like (except for the fact that I am always cold and he is always hot). I think my favorite thing is looking forward to coming home after work at the end of the day to be with your best friend, talk and hear about each others day, our complete honesty and openness with one another and lastly having a slumber party every night.

Ari R

Sharing resources? Too cold. Too dismal science. More company? Too selfish. But what I think I like most about living with her is not being alone, and feeling like we can rely on each other for anything from crazy attempts to invent blueberry corn scones to late night ER trips

-William C.

What improved in your relationship with your partner after you moved in together?

A lot of people said they became more secure and comfortable in their relationships.  Some talked about how knowing there would be time together allowed them to individuate (develop separate interests, friend groups, etc) with more confidence, and many talked about feeling their partners were more committed and open with them.

Not as many concerns about spending enough time together, we actually became more independent and had our own activities after we moved in together. Before we lived together, there was some conflict surrounding who was going where and who was putting more effort in etc, and that vanished afterwards after some adjustment. We know we will have shared time together  no matter what.

-Samantha B

I think our relationship improved mostly because we were more at ease and able to just be together. It was stressful living apart and dealing with roommates, which made us feel like there was nowhere we could go and be comfortable just hanging out and being together. Having our own space allowed us to just "be," which definitely brought us closer and decreased our stressors. It also was a good opportunity to learn about each other's habits, and grow to be accepting and tolerant of those we didn't agree upon.

-Tara C.

Rent suddenly got a lot cheaper. Just kidding. It was very early on in our relationship so it's hard to say what improved, but I would definitely say that our relationship was stronger for the fact that we lived together early on. We got to know each other completely, as friends, as roommates, as partners, and that meant when we committed to each other, we really knew what we were getting into.

-Lisa C

No longer bickering over typical long-distance type stuff, like scheduling time in the day for phone calls. Or being worried if someone was expecting to hear from the other person after going out and not hearing from them. He agrees and also says that he can tell that in general, I feel more secure the relationship. We both agree that overall, our communication has improved a lot.

-Alyonka O

My relationship with my partner was long-distance before we moved in together. So sex especially improved.

-Stanley L.

What was the biggest hurdle when you moved in together, and how did you resolve it?

Responses to this question spoke largely to the kinds of articles you get if you do the aforementioned Google search.  People struggled to reconcile finances, combining belongings, and division of chores.  But most people managed to use assertiveness skills lovingly to confront those issues and take steps towards resolving them.   Some people spoke to less pragmatic and more interpersonal concerns about maintaining separate identities, fighting off the urge to live on the couch, and combating the sense of always needing to Do Something Together.

Combining both of our stuff together. Both of us have a lot of stuff, and it was frustrating at first (and maybe now) but we worked out a system eventually that usually works! Also, for me, it was hard not to have my alone time with no one else there (i lived by myself prior), but we both have our own activities and so there are adequate moments of alone time now.

-Samantha B

I think the biggest hurdle was working out household responsibilities.  Before we moved in together, we were spending many nights a week together and I was the one who went to the supermarket and kept the kitchen clean at both our places. He assumed that after we moved in together that would be the same and that I would continue to do all the food shopping, cooking, and clean the dishes and he wouldn't do anything.  We eventually came up with a conceptual chores list dividing up responsibilities and stating expectations more clearly(I.e, if I cook, he does dishes; if we cook together, we both do dishes) which was helpful. We also came up with an agreement because he works more then I do and makes more money, that I would pick up groceries every week(we would split the cost) and he would pay for a cleaning lady once a month. 

-Joanna L

Well, Lisa is a bit of a pack rat and can be messy and I’m not exactly a neat freak, but I can get anxious when there’s too much clutter.  I would say that we’re still resolving this one, but we’ve made improvements and adjustments to living with one another’s habits. 

-Mandy C

Honestly our biggest hurdle had nothing to do with us and everything to do with others' opinions of us living together. My parents were not thrilled at the idea, and we had close family friends who said things to my parents like, "Why buy the cow when she's giving away the milk for free?" It was really difficult because we were not moving in to be reckless or impulsive--we moved in because we loved each other, planned to get married (which we did a couple years later), and wanted to live together. The way we resolved it was by standing behind our decision and over time, the others got used to it. It ultimately helped my family and our family friends to be more open-minded and tolerant to new ideas that they didn't grow up with. Eventually, I learned that I had never told my parents that my (now) husband and I were going to get married... so they didn't know how serious we were about our relationship. Telling them that would have probably helped this hurdle earlier on.

-Tara C

Finances are a difficult issue sometimes.  With two different financial situations, figuring out how to split up certain expenses can be tricky. We figured it out by making separate budget and figuring out how much each of us can contribute to living expenses.  And also putting ourselves on budgets.  

-Jason G.

Moving in together killed all of our boundaries around knowing when we were together and when we were apart. Before we lived together, time that we were in the same space was time that we were *together,* and usually doing a pre-determined activity. After we moved in together, we both felt for a while like any time that we were both home was time that we were somehow obligated to spend interacting, and it drove us both nuts. I didn't get enough down time, so I started withdrawing emotionally at the same time as I kept up all the outward gestures of togetherness, and she scrambled after the connection that she could see moving away. And neither of us understood, at the time, what was happening, besides that we were both grumpy and fighting a lot, and neither of us thought the other made any sense.  We had a friend talk us down pretty frequently for a while, and we got a lot better at understanding what we were feeling and what we needed for ourselves, which ultimately led to a much stronger ability to verbally communicate about what we were doing ("I need to be across the state early on Monday, can you help me get to bed early?") and what we needed ("I want to be near you but I need some down time. Can we be non-interactive together?")

-William C

Bibliotherapy: The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

 

In a marriage or other long-term romantic relationship, a person expresses love but their partner complains that they don’t.  Maybe, according to Gary Chapman, it’s that they’re expressing that love in a way their partner doesn’t understand.  

The premise of this book, which I read on the recommendation of many friends, colleagues, and clients, is that people speak different “love languages,” and if you want to be heard, you need to learn to learn to speak the love language that comes most naturally to your partner.  Frequently, this means that you need to learn a whole new way of communicating how you feel.

I appreciated that the book differentiated between the giddy “in love” stage of a new relationship and the day-to-day mundaneness of a marriage or cohabitation that’s been around for years.  After the shiny newness wears off, what’s left is human beings yearning for connection and craving expressions of love.  The problem is that people express and receive love differently.

According to the book, there are 5 love languages:

1. Words of Affirmation – Giving compliments, expressing appreciation verbally, offering encouragement, saying the words “I love you.”

2. Quality Time – Spending time with someone in a focused and present way (i.e. not binge-watching Netflix together but rather being attentive to one another), Practicing active listening

3. Receiving Gifts – Giving physical objects to your partner, not necessarily expensive things, but things that are thoughtful and have the message of, “I was thinking of you.”

4. Acts of Service – Doing helpful tasks, such as helping around the house

5. Physical Touch – Including but not limited to sexual intercourse, as well as back rubs, holding hands, hugs, touching your partner’s shoulder, etc.

The premise presented is that if you, for example, believe that acts of service are important but your partner’s love language is quality time, then your partner might feel unloved even though you believe yourself to be expressing how you feel, loud and clear.  It gives a great example of a couple in this situation, where a husband would vacuum, prepare dinner, mow the lawn, and do laundry to show his wife how he felt, but the wife felt neglected and thought, “I wish he would stop being so busy and come sit and talk with me instead.”

This book provides useful information not only about the different love languages, but also about how to identify your and your partner’s love language, and how to implement changes that will result in renewed feelings of marital/relational bliss. 

I highly recommend this simple but profound book to anyone struggling to rekindle the feelings of love in their relationship, and I am certain I will be recommending it and using these concepts with many, many clients in the future.  

You can visit the Five Love Languages website here, or buy the book on Amazon here.